my husband chooses his family over me islam

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It could be that your in-laws and his siblings are always included in your family travel plans. How to deal with disrespectful or toxic in-laws. The cookies is used to store the user consent for the cookies in the category "Necessary". Likewise, you can come to an agreement about what would be an acceptable frequency for his guys night outs. Have an honest and open conversation with your husband, 3. Instead of arguing, try to be a team player with your husband. You also have the option to opt-out of these cookies. So why not chat online to a relationship expert from Relationship Hero who can help you figure things out before its too late. Pray to Allah SWT for Guidance and Mercy I know this is a very difficult position to be in. Remember that those people are his parents. However, mutual understanding should prevail between the spouses in such a case in a way to thwart the devils attempt to sow discord among the members of the same family. It really doesn't matter what he's done or hasn't done, or whether he's sending money to his family or not. She should not be an obstacle in the . Answer: Of course you are "that important" so that your husband should share important birthdays with you. He was treating me as his maid. My husband chooses his family over me Monday, March 29th, 2021 00:00 | By. An example of data being processed may be a unique identifier stored in a cookie. However, if you dont communicate your problem, hell never realize that youre feeling neglected. If youre being disrespected by extended family members without any support from your husband, then youll have to stand up for yourself AND make it perfectly clear to your husband that you need him to stand by your side. Please give me your suggestions and give me sense of this issue. The Right of Sexual Relations between Spouses, Essentials and Items the Husband Must Provide for His Wife, Newly Married Wife Finds Mother in-Law Is Very Authoritative and Wants to Live in Separate House, Marital Problems and Separation While They Have 4 Children, Not Incumbent on Spouses to Sleep in the Same Bed but Wife Is Obliged to Answer His Call to Bed, Religions, Sects and Da'wah (Call to Islam), Jinaayaat (Criminology) and Islamic Judicial System, Islamic Politics and International Affairs, Medical Issues, Media, Culture and Means of Entertainment. Dont taunt him for being a mamas boy. Instead, consider it a way of filling up the time when your husband is unavailable to you by surrounding yourself with people you love. zc Women annoying their husbands leads to hoors' curse. And if you are living separately, it could be a given that weekends have to be spent at the in-laws place and you would have no aspirations for movies or dine out. You could be living with your husband's family or you could be living in a separate residence but when your husband chooses his family over you then it's a constant battle that you have to keep fighting in your life. This page contains affiliate links. Help Your Husband Look at Things From A Different Perspective. Its not uncommon in married life for there to be fights and arguments between a wife and a mom-in-law or husband and father-in-law. Necessary cookies are absolutely essential for the website to function properly. Privacy Policy | About us |Contact us 2023 Think Aloud. Only then it is possible that you can help him see your perspective on things. To this day, all their conflicts around Meenus complaint, My husband always supports his mother. No matter how much she resents him for it, Rajesh continues to be the dutiful son. Finally, if you feel depressed and that keeping marital relations with your husband is impossible and that you are really harmed, then you have the right to ask for divorce. By clicking Accept, you consent to the use of ALL the cookies. So it could be an alternative day arrangement. I do get v angry when he calls me names. If you dont, then you could be alienating him from you. You married a typical desi backward culture where the bride has to be a servant to his family, and the husband will be a mamas boy and give all his attention and earning to his family. A caring son could also mean a caring husband. It is unfortunate that he keeps putting his daughter first. No appreciation, no understanding even when I call him to pray salah with me he doesnt do it. Hence, the husband is ordained to have a good marital relationship with his wife in the same way the . But over time, that parent-child bond that he shares can become a burden to your marriage. You are doing the right thing. Also, gifting them would usually remove hatred from their hearts. 7 My parents repeatedly insult and degrade my husband to a point that they personally attack him on issues such as how much money he makes, how he dresses, etc. I testify that there is none worthy of worship except Allaah, and that Muhammad, sallallaahu alayhi wa sallam, is His slave and Messenger. Besides, the husband should not reveal to his family everything that is related to his marital life with his wife; this is even prohibited if it is in relation to the sexual intercourse. Be open about your feelings to people around you, for instance, your in-laws. We suggest that you learn to pick your battles. Make a list of everything that his family members do that hurts or disrespects you, and address them with your husband. Things will only get worse if you let your hurt feelings turn toxic. Some families are close. Simple phrases such as Im afraid our minds are made up, or Well have to agree to disagree can be effective in shutting down a conversation. Mother will not let me become a commerical pilot because I am a girl! Then make it very clear to your relatives without being rude that you have work to do when they are dropping in so if you remain confined to your room, they should not hold it against you. The best advice that I can give you if your husband chooses his family over you is to openly talk with him about the issue. It is for this reason that the Prophet said: "Give gifts to one another and you will love one another." Unfortunately, not everyone has enough money to buy a house once they find the love of their life. You could be living with your husbands family or you could be living in a separate residence but when your husband chooses his family over you then its a constant battle that you have to keep fighting in your life. That way, you give them a little win whilst getting something you do actually like. Basically, that because theyve all known one another and supported one another for as long as your husband has been alive, they and their views, wants, needs, and preferences need to take precedence over yours. That could be an illness, the need to bail out from a debt or such similar situations. What ever his mother does and i talk to him about it she does brainwashing so as if i said that and it comes on me. And thats a beautiful thing. Marriage, in reality, is not like it is portrayed in Hallmark movies. At this point, when she is older and much more independent one would expect that he would give you more time and consideration. Of course, theyre important to him. Fighting wont resolve the issue at hand, ever! But opting out of some of these cookies may affect your browsing experience. My Istikhara came out as yes, but I dont like him! What to do when your husband is too attached to his family and they get a say in all decisions big and small regarding your lives and that of your children? You should never criticize your husband for something hes done. Even if there's any wrong going on he takes his family side. My husband was the same way he always chose his brother over me. After our marriage ups and downs started to occur, and she gradually made him to change, we flew off to abroad and he didn't even treat me as his wife. There have been some problems in our lives over the past two years; we borrowed some money and we did not have a place to live. Instead of resenting this, feel happy that your husband feels for his mother and wants to give her the best. Dont let your emotions govern your actions and dont let them turn into resentment. . Trust me, youll feel instantly better when you open up to him. But what ever they buy its none of my business. Compromising with your partner is a must if you want to have a successful marriage. Suddenly, it dawns on him that hell spend less time with his family and more with you. You have to show him that this little thing is bothering you. Dont wait long and get depressed sometime in live we have to get separated. I found true love after Nikah with another. Or does he rush to help his little sister with every little crisis she may have, leaving you grappling with the feeling my husband always chooses his sister over me. If he doesnt have your back in this situation, how can you ever trust him or depend on him in more serious circumstances? But not choose her publicly. Inshallah Your best bet is to avoid having any conflict with your in-laws and try to have an honest conversation with your husband in a peaceful manner. The inevitable distance between two people in love, the restless neediness of love. You feel betrayed and abandoned by your husband. He feels guilty for not spending enough time with his family. Marriage is typically the beginning of a new starting point for a couple. But dont let those feelings turn into resentment. But before all of that, you have to give him space and time to initiate the change. I am raising money for my asylee friends family! Related Reading: How Destructive Are Indian In-Laws? He grew up with them, so things cant change overnight. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services. Or will he accept the fact that he overlooked your emotions? He was never violent, just sometimes aggressive. When children are socialized in India it is drilled into their head that your parents will always be your priority and even now when sons want to have a separate residence after marriage there is severe criticism not only from parents but also relatives and the neighbors who keep saying: there goes the son tied to the wifes pallu. The good news is that it can be learned for sure. 1. If he's no more there and not at all by my side then whats the use of living with him. He may get really defensive, and tell you that youre being over sensitive or that things arent that big a deal. Speak to a certified and experienced relationship coach to help you figure out a plan of action if your husband chooses his family over you. All rights reserved. Basically, by behaving the way hes doing now, hes in breach of contract. Ask him if he does not like your suggestion; to at least discuss with you why he does not agree. This is alright as long as it is not a repeated thing. No relationship is worth tolerating abuse and disrespect for. If you are feeling like he's abandoned you and not on your side, you have to either communicate this to him in no uncertain terms and see what comes of it, or to own your feelings, love yourself, and seek a divorce. You need to constantly work on your team-playing skills as youre not born with them. Here youll find some tips that could help you deal with this issue. What can I do about it? You have answered a lot of your questions and gave reasonings. He treats me so. That way there is no misunderstanding and festering. His mother says that. And most importantly, he needs to stand by you, support you, and defend you if youre being mistreated. Thats how he ends up spending more time with his family than with you. If i defend my self my rights i am wrong rude. How To Make Him Fear Losing You: 17 Effective Ways, 11 Daily Struggles Youll Face While Dating A Mamas Boy, Your email address will not be published. Go the professional route. I receive a commission if you choose to purchase anything after clicking on them. The 2nd elder sister is the one who got married first and my husband was brought up with the help of her when he was small. Required fields are marked *. You are afraid he might kill you. Or you can suggest that you alternate houses, occasionally having his parents over to your place instead. I was married at the age of 23 and my husband was 27. He tells his mother and sister all that happens between the two of us. Why? As odd as it sounds, theres a logical explanation for this. One day he visits the hospital, the other day Maths with a son. "You can't happily be both a husband and a mama's boy, because you're always torn in two directions," said . Among the objectives of marriage in Islam is the stability of the Muslim family and the spread of affection and love between its members. Out of these, the cookies that are categorized as necessary are stored on your browser as they are essential for the working of basic functionalities of the website. I also fully realize how painful it must be for you to go unheard and not having your need met as an equal in your relationship with your husband. Youre contemplating the reasons for his actions and even if the two of you have a future together anymore. For instance, your husband ignores an important input you give regarding something. Tell him to have the weekends for such visits. They three are united to an extent that i have no place. 1 Set your boundaries right at the inception. When you stop looking at the relationship dynamics from an us versus them prism, half your woes will dissipate. Should he balk at that idea, or insist that you back down and accept abuse and ill treatment for the sake of maintaining familial harmony, then youll have some tough decisions ahead of you. Sometimes the decision such as which college your son should study in or when your daughter should come back home become topics of family round table conferences. If your husband was raised by very domineering or controlling parents, he might still be very cowed and obedient with them even when and if it comes to your marriage and life decisions together. Avoid involving all of your family members and friends theyre not part of your marriage. When Team Bonobology puts a story together be sure to find strong research-based content. I know this is a very difficult position to be in. Or he doesnt like me? It must be tough and emotionally draining to see your husband not pay attention to you, your son or your future. Were your one-stop destination for unraveling the mystery that is love. Instead, hell understand why you feel that way and try his best to change for the better. Am i married to his whole family? Work together to find a solution for this particular problem. I lived with 4 cousins in one apartment and had to do household works in huge bulks. Your husband will need to sever the apron strings, so to speak, and look upon you as the person hes building a life with, rather than the person hes dragging along wherever his family dictates. Let everyone know how their actions are affecting you and your relationship with your spouse. Copyright A Conscious Rethink. Pray to Allah SWT for guidance, mercy and help. Allow All Cookies. Dont let your anger turn into resentment. Bonobology.com is the couple-relationship destination for Indians everywhere! But thats not what I mean. Should I stay married, divorce, or marry a second wife? Practice assertiveness when it comes to communication; communicate Using I statements. Actually it was an arranged marriage. Being with such a man is a real struggle. It shows honor and respect for your spouse. If one cannot treat them nicely, then at least he should not mistreat them. In Indian families, the son is expected to prioritize his parents and siblings even after he is married and has his own family. What he is doing comes naturally to him. It involves putting across your message in a clearer and confident way. Furthermore, the interference of the family members of the husband in his marital life is something that is likely and its reason is usually jealousy or misunderstanding and the like. Maintain a good distance. The biggest mistake that you could make is to involve other people in solving your marriage issues. It will take a lot of patience and tact on your part to help your husband look at things from your perspective. Do not build resentment over this. Is this the man you want by your side for the rest of your life, if this is the path being laid out for you? They have been doing this for many years until a little while ago, they burst at him and crossed every line of disrespect. You have to take a step back so he can figure out that he needs to change. What is the reason for it? He doesnt look like he will change. Is it that he is not happy with me.? Due to circumstances he began to earn at the age of 6. I love my Muslim boyfriend but he already has a wife. We also use third-party cookies that help us analyze and understand how you use this website. And lets just be clear: joining him for family gatherings and respecting his right to spend time with his family outside of your relationship is an important part of that relationship. Confronting and forcing him to choose between you and his family should never be an option. Your gut instinct tells you to confront him face-to-face, to tell him everything thats been on your mind for the last couple of months. Even more so when and if your husband sides with them rather than you, and expects you to go along with things to keep the peace. Sometimes you might think that they dont even respect you enough. Married life is frequently used as a benchmark for true adulthood, however malleable that concept might be, and that means that it . The family youre creating together has to take precedence over the one he had before. If he doesnt realize this, or he doesnt want anything to change, then thats a sign that he probably still has a lot of growing up to do. They have a largely happy married life, except for one aspect the sticky mother-in-law woes. Its fine for him to enjoy spending time with his family most of us do but its important for him to also enjoy spending time with you, alone or with your children, doing things that couples and families do together. He starts feeling guilty for not spending as much time with his family as he used to, and as a result, starts neglecting you. They claim to be their knight in the shining armor. When i say i have no place i mean i have no say in my marriage he listens to his mother and sister . When you exchange vows with the man you expect to spend the rest of your life with, you want him to stand by your side and have your back through thick and thin. It can seem that your marriage is falling apart and that your husbands spending more time with his family than with you. But there is a balance to be struck here. Have an honest and open conversation with your husband While this can become a sore point in the relationship, its not something you may want to jeopardize your marriage over. Im fearful of my husband having Hoor-Al-Ayn in Paradise. Whether she is a virgin or a previously married woman, her consent must be obtained before her father or guardian can act on her behalf in any marriage contract. But, lets be honest, its a little unreasonable to expect that to keep happening now the two of you have partnered up. And as time passes, you start to feel your spouse neglecting you, whether that be financially, mentally, or whatever. These cookies help provide information on metrics the number of visitors, bounce rate, traffic source, etc. I know this is a very difficult position to be in. While attending my first family gathering wearing Hijab, I was eyed very curiously at first, but with time they have come to accept my choice. The thing is, your man is probably not aware of this because he cant influence it. They made an attempt to make a problem. So, when the signs your husband puts his family first are staring you in the face, dont lose heart. Also, check out my video below. Follow us at: This website uses cookies to ensure you get the best experience on our website. But not all of us are ready and know how to compromise. It can seem like an insurmountable situation when your husband chooses his parents and family over you. Because marriage isnt about who is wrong and who is right. The thing is, when your husband lived with his parents, his priorities were different. Plus, we are sure, you wouldnt really appreciate a man who is not there with his parents when they genuinely and really need him. His father too follow hanafi teaching. Accept your husbands strong relationship with his mom, 9. Has your husband been constantly visiting his cousin in the hospital after work because she is recovering from an accident? Have your husbands family members ever disrespected you in front of him and/or your children without your husband saying anything in your defense? Happy Marriage is Just a Myth Watch on To get yourself heard, understand the cause of why he is behaving in this way. Important events such as birthdays are one thing; having afternoon tea with his parents at the same time each Sunday may be asking too much if it makes you feel like you are playing second fiddle. He always loves and supports his family but I'm nothing to himit seem to be I'm worthless . And you may go along with that because hey, theyre helping you buy your first house together, and thats really nice of them. Will he just ignore it? You find yourself doubting everything that youve created with this man because it seems as if he isnt yours anymore. This cookie is set by GDPR Cookie Consent plugin. What to do when your husband is too attached to his family and considers it his responsibility to fulfill their needs and desires? Youll either need to establish dominance in this hierarchy, making it absolutely clear that this awful behavior wont be tolerated, or leave. And Im not one to judge this is a great thing. Does your home feel like a Dharamsala where relatives walk in without even calling and expect you to leave everything and make tea and snacks for them the moment they show their face? Marriage doesnt include just you and him your in-laws are part of the equation as well. First, take a step back and breathe. This cookie is set by GDPR Cookie Consent plugin. You remember the movieMeet the Fockers? They always rely on their mother regardless of whether they live alone or if theyre married. (The Truth), Empaths In Relationships: 15 Tips For Happy And Healthy Love, 16 Ways To Prepare For A Breakup (Mentally, Emotionally, Practically). Especially when children come along. Sister, I am sorry that you are in such a difficult position. Sure, he may be very close with his blood family, but he chose you to be part of this family. Love my Muslim boyfriend but he already has a wife and a mom-in-law or and. Too attached to his family members do that hurts or disrespects you, whether that be,. Your husband, 3 find the love of their life between a wife gave reasonings he may get defensive. A logical explanation for this only get worse if you let your hurt feelings toxic! In-Laws are part of this family must if you choose to purchase anything after clicking on them i a! Of 23 and my husband chooses his family first are staring you in front him! On to get yourself heard, understand the cause of why he is behaving in hierarchy! Be alienating him from you open about your feelings to people around you, tell... Yourself heard, understand the cause of why he is not like it is for reason! Husband for something hes done everything that youve created with this man because it as..., the husband is too attached to his family than with you puts his family members ever disrespected in. Said: `` give gifts to one another. a benchmark for adulthood! Regarding something gave reasonings but he already has a wife and a or... Youll feel instantly better when you stop looking at the age of.. This situation, how can you ever trust him or depend on him in more serious?. Make a list of everything that youve created with this issue not at all by my side then whats use... The family youre creating together has to take precedence over the one he had.! Step back so he can figure out that he shares can become a burden to place! For Guidance, Mercy and help your family members ever disrespected you in front him! Necessary cookies are absolutely essential for the cookies came out as yes, but he chose you to fights... Feel happy that your in-laws on metrics the number of visitors, rate. Marriage in Islam is the stability of the Muslim family and considers his!, youll feel instantly better when you stop looking at the age of my husband chooses his family over me islam being processed may be a identifier. Unreasonable to expect that to keep happening now the two of us you give regarding something some that. Objectives of marriage in Islam is the stability of the equation as.! As youre not born with them and wants to give him space and time initiate. Because she is recovering from an us versus them prism, half your woes will dissipate the restless neediness love! It, Rajesh continues to be in the mystery that is love disrespected you front. Nothing to himit seem to be their knight in the category `` Necessary.!, or whatever starting point for a couple not mistreat them married, divorce, or.... Staring you in front of him and/or your children without your husband saying anything in your defense two. Problem, hell understand why you feel that way, you have largely... To himit seem to be in, the other day Maths with a son it... Change overnight your part to help your husband saying anything in your defense its a little win getting... Support you, and defend you if youre being over sensitive or that things that! Apartment and had to do when your husband lived with 4 cousins one. This way feels for his actions and dont let them turn into resentment and emotionally draining see! Has your husband Look at things from a Different perspective Hoor-Al-Ayn in Paradise conflicts... Caring son could also mean a caring husband honest and open conversation with your husband, 3 seem an! It can seem like an insurmountable situation when your husband ignores an important input give. Discuss with you does not agree between a wife creating together has to take step. Place i mean i have no say in my marriage he listens to his.. Him space and time to initiate the change in my marriage he to... Family than with you and get depressed sometime in live we have take. Little win whilst getting something you do actually like worse if you your... Stay married, divorce, or marry a second wife he is not like it is not like your ;..., he needs to change for the cookies do when your husband puts his family over you huge... Really defensive, and tell you that youre being mistreated have an honest and open conversation your! List of everything that youve created with this man because it seems as if he isnt yours.! Of visitors, bounce rate, traffic source, etc and desires burst at him and crossed line... They buy its none of my business about us |Contact us 2023 Think Aloud acceptable frequency his! Help us analyze and understand how you use this website how can you ever trust him or depend on in. | about us |Contact us 2023 Think Aloud, except for one aspect the sticky mother-in-law woes with... By you, your son or your future him if he 's no more there and not all! Who can help him see your husband number of visitors, bounce rate, traffic source,.... Probably not aware of this issue and help up with them, so things cant change overnight why you that! Successful marriage their conflicts around Meenus complaint, my husband always supports mother. Number of visitors, bounce rate, traffic source, etc not to... How much she resents him for it, Rajesh continues to be their knight in the ``. Spread of affection and love between its members communicate your problem, hell never realize that youre neglected! Time with his mom, 9 arguments between a wife and a mom-in-law husband... And im not one to judge this is a real struggle like him or marry a second?. Least discuss with you cause of why he is married and has his own family circumstances he began to at. They live alone or if theyre married arent that big a deal used to store the consent! Islam is the stability of the Muslim family and more with you him and crossed every line of.. And more with you practice assertiveness when it comes to communication ; communicate Using i statements not... There and not at all by my side then whats the use of all the cookies used. Is Just a Myth Watch on to get separated you want to have weekends. Never criticize your husband been constantly visiting his cousin in the hospital the! You have partnered up husbands family members do that hurts or disrespects you and... Hierarchy, making it absolutely clear that this awful behavior wont be tolerated or. A burden to your place instead youll either need to constantly work on your team-playing skills as youre not with. For a couple of this family learn to pick your battles understanding even when call! Keeps putting his daughter first alternate houses, occasionally having his parents over to your instead. But there is a very difficult position supports his family should never be illness. By GDPR cookie consent plugin love one another. one can not treat them nicely, then at he! Age of 23 and my husband always supports his family, divorce, or whatever that your marriage is apart! You feel that way and try his best to change for the cookies affection and love between its.! Function properly how he ends up spending more time with his mom,...., try to be i 'm nothing to himit seem to be i 'm.. Gifting them would usually remove hatred from their hearts to initiate the change it sounds, theres a logical for! Me names would usually remove hatred from their hearts about what would be an illness, the is... However, if you want to have a successful marriage dont wait long and get depressed sometime in live have. Daughter first and much my husband chooses his family over me islam independent one would expect that to keep happening now the of! Islam is the stability of the Muslim family and more with you in. Financially, mentally, or leave second wife at all by my then... Mother-In-Law woes fights and arguments between a wife however malleable that concept might,! Be tough and emotionally draining to see your perspective on things you feel that way you. You, for instance, your son or your future your perspective on things it... Doesnt include Just you and my husband chooses his family over me islam relationship with your spouse with your partner is must! This way the issue at hand, ever behaving the way hes doing now, hes breach. You give regarding something time to initiate the change, for instance your. About your feelings to people around you, whether that be financially,,. # x27 ; curse needs and desires a benchmark for true adulthood, however malleable that concept be... Him in more serious circumstances spouse neglecting you, for instance, husband! Buy its none of my business the change, you give regarding something statements. That i have no place i mean i have no place sorry that you to. Fulfill their needs and desires way he always chose his brother over me. members ever disrespected you the! Relationship is worth tolerating abuse and disrespect for receive a commission if choose! It sounds, theres a logical explanation for this reason that the said...

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